IrenicEmbers

So

Tired

All

The

Time!

Sorry, the week at the end of the month in the mortgage world is hellish, the week at the end of the year in a mortgage world is utter nightmarish. Everyone is festive and no one wants to get anything done. And, yet everyone is pushing for things to get done, to get a big year-end number.

Because big numbers = we are all still employed.

I did get a shiny new camera for Christmas with a sparky new lens to go along with it. Hope your holidays were peaceful and rewarding.

I am stuffed of eggs benedict and half of a cinnamon roll. Nick’s Sunday morning ritual is to go out to a local breakfast/brunch place and bring us back Sunday breakfast. I always get the eggs benedict and he gets some sort of egg/omelet/cheesy dish with a side of bacon that leaves him with an upset stomach all day. Nick’s lactose intolerant and the cheese always gets him. It doesn’t stop him from ordering it though.

While I ate, I read the story of Stephanie Nielson and cried. I cried all over my eggs benedict. Ever since I heard of her story about a year ago, I’ve been following her sisters’ and her blog.  I may not necessarily agree with their religious beliefs (Mormons scare me) but I read because I’m a sucker for an inspiring story.

Anyway, as I was reading I started thinking of this decision that looms in front of my face. Nick and I have discussed having a child frequently and as I get older, I wonder if I still want to do this. Caring for a child is hard, there’s the responsibility not only for them but for you too. Take Stephanie, one move and her four children would have been orphans. Nick’s getting older and should we attempt to try he will be older still by the time if and when we succeed.

I spoke to my gyno about this last year and she wanted to start with drugs first to stimulate the egg being released from the ovaries. If that happens, then we try. But for people with conditions like my own, it’s never that easy and surgery would most likely be the method. I’m not sure I want to go through all of that. Maybe I’m selfish and maybe I think the world is just over populated but it’s something that’s stirring in my head this weekend. When Christmas is so close and it’s supposed to be spent around families and I’m so far from mine.

I’m supposed to be at work today but I just couldn’t make it in; my brain is beyond fried.  It’s been a long couple of weeks. My intent, instead of not going to work, was to clean up around the apartment. I wanted to make it as Christmas ready as I could, even though we don’t have a tree and are technically not celebrating this year.

There’s mounds of laundry to get through and a pile of dishes to be cleaned.

Instead I’m looking at what I should get myself for the holidays.

I want this:

But at $2300 it’s a pipe dream. The alternative would be this:

It’s still expensive and more than I’m willing to spend but I need a new computer. Wait, actually I want one. The only thing one needs to do is breathe.

Aside from those two goodies, there’s this:

This one I actually do need as the cameras that we have currently are all crap. And, oh how I wish that I had a better camera when we went to Greece. That’s why I haven’t really posted any of those pictures yet, they’re all crap.

Then there’s this, this one I will actually get because it’s the cheapest of the lot and what I’ll truly use every day.

I was telling my carpool buddy this morning a story that I’d almost forgotten and it’s really late now so retelling it will probably get butchered.

Sidenote, I worked 68 hours last week and already 26 this week … in two days. My mind’s not quite *on* right now.

So, carpool buddy was talking about taking her car in to get the battery replaced which was a relief because she thought it was like the alternator or starter. I commiserated and told her that it’s a good thing that Nick’s a mechanic and that anything having to do with taking a car into to a service center is the bane of my existence.  And then I recounted a story of just *how* bad I think the experience.

My first year in college, I had an older model Nissan Maxima. My father’s contribution to my college experience. The man never had a new car, at least to my memory. The Nissan had the words, “Maximum Love” stenciled on both sides of it and remarkably, I didn’t hate the car nor was I ashamed of it. As older model cars go, this one was bound to have something happen to it and sure enough in the dead of a Buffalo winter, it wouldn’t start one night. I called my father and asked him what to do, he said take it into a service station and have them look at it; I didn’t want to.

My father and a cousin of his then proceeded to drive from NYC to Buffalo, in the dead of winter … (this bears repeating because a Buffalo winter is nothing to laugh at) to come fix the car. Because he knew that I was not going to take it in to no service station. They came, they fixed and then proceeded to drive back the 8 hours to NY. It was the alternator… or was it the starter. It was one of those things.

While telling my friend this story, I just couldn’t stop laughing because in the few minutes it took … I became filled with the most immense joy and sadness at the same time. Maybe it’s just my tiredness. But I realized that’s where I get my willingness to help people come from. I’ve said before how my father would give the shirt off his back to help someone else. He may have been a lot of things in his life, but that’s one thing that I’ve always admired.  He may not remember my birthday or have been there but he did influence me and that’s something that I’m finding harder and harder to move away from as I get older.

No matter what people say, you are a reflection of the people surrounding you.

Anyway, there’s more that I wanted to purge but it’s already 9 and I need to get to bed.