IrenicEmbers

The thing that surprises me everytime I visit NY is the smell, as soon as I got off the plane, it hit me like a wall. Not a wisp, but a wall of just humid, living, breathing people. It crawls into your pores and it invades you.

The second thing that I have to get accustomed to is the driving. In NY, no one cares about anyone else’s personal property. I didn’t see a single car without a dent or a scratch on it and New Yorkers for the most part, drive like mad people. When I rent a car there, it takes me about a full week, when I get back to Washington to not drive like a crazy person. This time, thankfully, I didn’t rent a car.

Despite all of that, I want to go back badly. Nick and I have tossed over the idea of moving back here and there but nothing ever comes of it.

I did get a bit done while I was there. I bought the camera that will be placed on the guest table to take candids of the people signing the guestbook.

I also got three pairs of shoes. The first one (in the blue) was my first choice when I intially went shopping and was the first thing I picked out. My cousin Matthew went with me and ironically, he was the that saw it first. Plus, (score!) it was on sale. I got it for $39.99.  It’s super comfortable and feels like a dream.

Then I met up with my cousin and aunt on Saturday and I went looking for an alternative, because the blue shoe is 4 inches on the heel and I will probably trip and fall on my face. My aunt picked out a strappy shoe that I can’t find online (update: here it is!), which was 50% off but still came to be $90.  When I tried it on the wooden floors of my mom’s place, within 5 minutes I was crying. It hurt so bad.

The third shoe is more of a backup to the backup. I honestly thought it was 50% off too, but only when I got home did I see the receipt say it was $298. My aunt paid for it but I’ll probably pay her back. I feel like a snot having her buy my a pair of $300 shoe. Plus, it’s bright white and it would have to be dyed because the dress is a lovely creamy colour.

Now about the main reason I went to NY this past weekend … the dress. I didn’t know what I wanted in terms of the dress, I had a few ideas but nothing really that said, “I MUST HAVE THIS DRESS!” My mom tossed out a few ideas and I’m like … ok.

The night that I got there though, it was super late and I was super sweaty and nasty from traveling all day. But I couldn’t wait to see the dress. When she brought it out, the first thought I had was “oh my, that looks big”. After I showered I tried it on and realized I looked like a sack of potatoes or someone stuffed into a barrel. I was so disappointed and so was my mother. I knew that I’d gained weight but with such an unforgiving colour as white, there is NO place to hide extra weight. We twisted and turned it, other things were brought out … finally at about 3am, I finally said, enough.

The next morning, she pulled out this BEAUTIFUL Oscar de la Renta lace. I wanted this lace like no tomorrow. The idea that she had was scrapped and then we were going to go with a straight dress in a sheath kinda form. But there was no room for a train, there wasn’t enough material. I was ok with that, until my mind started whirling and together we went back to the original idea with a few tweaks and twists. When she saw the end result and I saw it, I swear we both had tears in our eyes.

Finally, something that didn’t make me look too fat and was ‘bride’- like. To say that I’m excited is an understatement. So far, it’s only her and I that have seen it and that’s the way it will be until 4pm on 09-04-09. And everytime I think about it, I have to squeal.

I guess with that headache out of the way, it’s time to think of the other HUGE headaches along the way. August will be a busy month.

So, I filled out the request for the marriage certificate the other day and have to go down to the Snohomish County court house to file it when I get back from NY next week. I’m hesitant to do this. Not because it has to be done. I know this. My cousin has asked me if I’m getting cold feet. After thinking about it for a while, I realized “no”…most definitely note cold feet. Nick and I have acted as if we were married for the last six years anyway.  Marriage is not what’s scaring me.

What I am worried about, however, is the name changing. It was the one sore point in our deciding to get married. I didn’t see a reason to have a piece of paper making our relationship legal, but really it was because I didn’t want to have to go through changing my name. My name’s my identity. For Nick, being raised by two sets of old world grandparents, it wasn’t a choice nor a question. It was expected.

A couple of years ago, my grandfather explained where our family name came from … apparently his grandparents came from Bihar, also known as See and the last name was Kumar, but when they landed in the “new” world, whoever was taking down the registry spelled the name phonetically …. so we became the Kumar’s from See. This history has intrigued me since.

The flip side of this lovely story is that when my grandfather died, a piece of me died with him. He was the one that I related to the most and now I’m starting to realize it’s time to move on. I will always be his granddaughter regardless of what I choose to call myself.

Hyphenating would just be stupid, for Nick’s last name also has nine letters in it and having a hyphenated 18 letter last name borders on the ridiculous. I keep teasing Nick what will he do because he has my initials, AiS, tattooed on his arm. It would be very hard indeed, to redo an “S” into an “M”… oh and yes, my new initials will be AIM.  ha.

So, as I file the paperwork, I slowly come to terms that the identity that I had for the last 31 years is going away and this new person, this new identity is forming in its’ place.

I’ll still be a shithead though.

I’ve been obsessed with yarns and knitting. I offered to knit my friend Gen a scarf in rainbow colours. I first bought this cotton bulky yarn thinking that it would be perfect. The colour on it was like rows and rows of candy cane. Being the beginner knitter that I am, I didn’t realize that it would take *so* much yarn to do a scarf using bulky weight. I knitted the first skein and the length was barely a foot, and the yarn was about $9 a skein. It was going to take like 10 skeins to complete this bitch.

Instead my quick thinking mind came up with just making a cowl. I just have to add the buttons.

So that still left me with having to make a scarf for Gen. Back to the yarn shop I went and got this really pretty multicolour bit. What I didn’t realize was that it was a really, really skinny yarn.

To knit this much, a length of about 4.5 inches, it took me about 2 hours. Most of it was fighting with the needle because the yarn’s so soft and the aluminum needle is no match. It kept sliding off.  So I have to stop at the yarn store again to get some bamboo needles. They have much more grip and really I don’t need a 13 inch long needle for this. It was the only one that had the circumference that I needed.

I sometimes question why I write on this blog; at the beginning it was to get things out and to formulate the idea for a book. My friends are always saying that I should write a book. Ten years ago, when I started writing in the public sphere, it was just for that reason, to see if I could. Back then, my words were more about what was going on in my life and decisions that I was making.

This blog has never seen much traffic and that’s how I’ve liked it; it’s pretty anonymous but it’s easy to find out who I really am. With one exception, I have never used my last name.  The people that come here are but a handful, I’ve got 10 unique visitors. Throughout the time, I’ve always kept a web stat page going so I knew who was coming and going. For the most part,  I look at it daily. I think everyone who keeps a blog does.

The reason that I write is that I find speaking extremely difficult. Speaking on the phone is akin to torture for me. I hate the sound of my own voice and ever since I’ve landed in this country I’ve been criticized for the way I speak. So it gave me a complex. In writing, I’ve found a way to get my thoughts out and it’s easy for me.

Over the years, I’ve strayed away from writing about the more personal aspects unless it *really* bothered me or if I felt it was going to be theraputic.

Back to the one exception of using my last name; I did it during a horrific family tradegy wherein I linked to an article that went into detail over a killing in the family. An aunt of mine did a google search and came up on this blog. She was irritated and outraged. Primarly because I’d linked to some stories I wrote at that time. Vivid, detailed stories that have long been deleted and looking back was the work of someone deeply in young love. I cringe thinking about it, but I’m not ashamed. That was me at that time.

Said aunt has been visiting this blog on and off since then. Now it’s daily. For months. Yes I see you G.

I’ve ignored it simply because I couldn’t be bothered. She’s pretty much always hated me and to some extent I think the feeling’s mutual. For me, hate’s a strong word. I don’t like to use it lightly. It’s the vibe that I’ve always gotten from her.

In the back of my mind, I just picture her using my words again against me. Privacy has never been sacred in my family. When I was about 12 I kept this cheap plastic diary and my other aunt took it and they all had a laugh over my writing back then. Now, the difference is that I write in the public. This is a public website, there’s no password to get here, there’s no hidden main page. When you do something in the public, it’s hard to say, respect my privacy.

I’m not asking for that.

The only thing that I’m getting at is that when things that I say are used to hurt others is just dispicable. Don’t use what I say, to turn around and say “see, I told you … she was no good.” Or better yet, don’t read what you see here and then turn around and stir up drama because you are unhappy in your own life.

Anyway, enough of that, I need to now go figure out how to block Memorial Sloan Kettering’s IP address from hitting this website.