One of the hardest things that I had to do in the past few years was have to explain to one of my most beloved cousins why I had to move out here. Why I picked up what I could and left in the middle of the night, with a stranger, to drive across the country. She was hurt because we were close and she was young.
Kids often don’t understand the selfishness of adults.
For the first few years, I avoided the conversation entirely until I couldn’t anymore. She started to grow up and see the reasons right there in front of her. I wasn’t acting as shield anymore for the craziness that goes on. Tonight, I had the rest of the conversation.
I told her that never compromise your education and let your emotions get bogged down in the family drama because then you are just continuing the cycle. I told her that have hope, hope in yourself and hope that the craziness won’t continue.
I didn’t feel like a sham saying it because I do have hope. Despite all my huffing and puffing, I do understand that being across the US is right for me. I am closer with my mother than I have ever been in my entire life. We actually have a relationship and that is such a precious thing. For years, my very presence reminded her of my father. For years, we had to tip toe around each other, afraid of what to say, afraid of the smell of alcohol.. afraid of the smell of other women on my father.
Now, most of our conversations are so mundane and inane … it’s glorious. We talk about dandelion tea, about Dr. Oz.. about American Idol (which I started watching so that I could talk to her about it), about different homeopathic cleanses and about going on trips together.
The thing was, that she wasn’t the problem and I’m slowly realizing that I wasn’t either. The circumstances of crazy that surrounds my father’s family made us crazy and at each other’s throats. Choke and rob indeed.
Anyway, it was a sport with them. Do the most damage, watch the blood and then laugh about it. In talking to my cousin tonight I was so relieved that in her innocence, she sees most of the game and refuses to play it and I can only hope that the others finally wake up and see that this new generation is falling just as fast as they were.
A part of me still wants to protect my cousins but it’s not my fight to fight anymore.
