IrenicEmbers

1. I apparently like starting shit with people. Sometimes thrive on it. Chaos is fun.

2. Being smart leads to unhappiness more often than not.

3. I greatly prefer the written word rather than the spoken word.

Today I was talking to a co-worker about what we are going to do in this whole work mess. In doing so, I inadvertently started a little tiff between her and another co-worker. Which lead to a conversation about blogging. (It’s too long to go into here.) First co-worker wants to start a blog and me being helpful told her about the few more popular blogging platforms. And then I opened my mouth and said, “I’ve been blogging for eleven years and I’ve tried most of them.”

Foot in mouth.

Didn’t want to admit that. Thankfully, she didn’t ask for the address. We spoke some more and then I realized something: I tend to avoid a lot of life’s harsher realities.

For example, the reason I blog/write is because, in doing so, I kinda voice the thoughts in my head. Once they’re out I tend not to go back to them. Keeping things in usually is what fucks me up in life. I keep a lot of things in. In eleven years, I’ve changed so much but my avoidance of things is still there.

Like how we still haven’t gotten the pictures from the wedding from the photographer and I’m not even sweating it. My sweet, dear, lovely Bekah sent her pictures and I haven’t opened the envelope. Why not? Because that night was so perfect in my mind, so amazingly perfect that I don’t want to look through the pictures and see how fat I was/am. Or how gross I know I looked, sweating, dancing, just being. I’m avoiding it because that sweet memory of that night, surrounded by so much love … is what I want to believe.

I haven’t even admitted this to Nick.

Yes, I know I need therapy. My point is, that I over-think and self criticize to the point of dementia and that’s part of the reason why I cannot function in normal society.

I probably will go back and password protect this at some point because I hate admitting how insane I am.

The thing is that this has been a really, really fucked up few months. Last week, I found out that my dear friend’s sister has thyroid cancer and is having her thyroids removed on the 22nd. Fuck how does a 25 year old have cancer. How does a newborn.

See, there goes that thinking thing again. This had led to some really bad panic attacks for me and I swear to god, not over-dramatizing anything but the right side of my face froze last night. We were watching something on TV and I leaned back and there it was, my face froze. I just sat there and listened while Nick was talking about something at work. A commercial came and went and then I felt my face “go” normal again. What’s up with that….

Why are we put on this minute blue speck in the universe, what is the fucking purpose of ALL of this?

So, I let the domain name expire. I knew it was coming, but my crazy, hectic schedule at work practically forced it. I decided to renew it because in typical Andrea fashion, in deciding to do away with the domain, I didn’t change email addresses. I have about ten email addresses at this point but my “main” has always been andrea @ irenic embers . org.

In thinking about it, I realized that I didn’t want to do away with the email address and since I’ve been using it so long, it would be *impossible* to change it. I’ve just started registering my other email address for sites that I need to.

That didn’t make any sense.

It’s been a long arse month, work’s crazy. I went between thinking, every day, that I was going to be laid off, to working my ass off. This week, there’s some respite because they’re bringing some of the temps back to work. By default, I cannot be laid off … yet. The others will go first. Working without health insurance since February has been difficult.

Tomorrow marks a month since we’ve been married. I have most of my paperwork legally changed to Andrea M_ _ _ _ _ _ _. I haven’t changed the passport yet. I’m not sure why.

There is so many things that I need to do, one of which is look for a new place. The apartment we live in serves Nick’s purposes but it’s too large and too expensive. We have so much we need to pay off for the wedding, it’s stupid to keep living here. Nick’s resisting but he lives in a dream world a lot of the time.

I registered another domain for the wedding and I think I’ll start using that. I’ll put up some pictures of the wedding over there in a few days and turn it into a photoblog. Bekah sent me some and I haven’t even opened the envelope yet.  Like I said, busy!

What an absolutely hectic week it’s been. A week ago, tearfully and joyfully, I accepted Nick as my husband and I swear my feet haven’t touched ground since then.

Well aside from the whole “going back to work bit.” That part sucked.

I’ll link to pictures and whatnot soon. Lots to be done in the meantime. The irony: we wedded on 09-04-09 but it didn’t become “legal” until 09-10-09 … my father’s 54th birthday.  Funny how life works out.  That’s the day before my grandparent’s anniversary too I think.

… and I couldn’t have been any happier.  At the end of the night, my face hurt from smiling too much. Nick was so happy. Everything went so well.

Here’s a picture that the lovely Bekah took:

I love you Beks.

……I finally understand why I’m ready to make Nick my husband, because after not being sure about some meat in the fridge (Nick has this habit of putting the meat that was left out too long in the freezer, clearly marked .. to be disposed of when the trash is almost ready to go out) … he calls and says, “Do I really want to chance getting food poisoning this soon before the wedding?”

Granted this bag of meat wasn’t marked, so there’s a chance it’s not spoilt at all. But still, in small ways, Nick always has my best interests in his heart.