Being distruptive
I sometimes question why I write on this blog; at the beginning it was to get things out and to formulate the idea for a book. My friends are always saying that I should write a book. Ten years ago, when I started writing in the public sphere, it was just for that reason, to see if I could. Back then, my words were more about what was going on in my life and decisions that I was making.
This blog has never seen much traffic and that’s how I’ve liked it; it’s pretty anonymous but it’s easy to find out who I really am. With one exception, I have never used my last name. The people that come here are but a handful, I’ve got 10 unique visitors. Throughout the time, I’ve always kept a web stat page going so I knew who was coming and going. For the most part, I look at it daily. I think everyone who keeps a blog does.
The reason that I write is that I find speaking extremely difficult. Speaking on the phone is akin to torture for me. I hate the sound of my own voice and ever since I’ve landed in this country I’ve been criticized for the way I speak. So it gave me a complex. In writing, I’ve found a way to get my thoughts out and it’s easy for me.
Over the years, I’ve strayed away from writing about the more personal aspects unless it *really* bothered me or if I felt it was going to be theraputic.
Back to the one exception of using my last name; I did it during a horrific family tradegy wherein I linked to an article that went into detail over a killing in the family. An aunt of mine did a google search and came up on this blog. She was irritated and outraged. Primarly because I’d linked to some stories I wrote at that time. Vivid, detailed stories that have long been deleted and looking back was the work of someone deeply in young love. I cringe thinking about it, but I’m not ashamed. That was me at that time.
Said aunt has been visiting this blog on and off since then. Now it’s daily. For months. Yes I see you G.
I’ve ignored it simply because I couldn’t be bothered. She’s pretty much always hated me and to some extent I think the feeling’s mutual. For me, hate’s a strong word. I don’t like to use it lightly. It’s the vibe that I’ve always gotten from her.
In the back of my mind, I just picture her using my words again against me. Privacy has never been sacred in my family. When I was about 12 I kept this cheap plastic diary and my other aunt took it and they all had a laugh over my writing back then. Now, the difference is that I write in the public. This is a public website, there’s no password to get here, there’s no hidden main page. When you do something in the public, it’s hard to say, respect my privacy.
I’m not asking for that.
The only thing that I’m getting at is that when things that I say are used to hurt others is just dispicable. Don’t use what I say, to turn around and say “see, I told you … she was no good.” Or better yet, don’t read what you see here and then turn around and stir up drama because you are unhappy in your own life.
Anyway, enough of that, I need to now go figure out how to block Memorial Sloan Kettering’s IP address from hitting this website.
